


Marriage Counselling for Cocoa Puffs

by JugbandArnold



Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: F/F, Funny, of sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-06
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-05 07:11:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5366030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JugbandArnold/pseuds/JugbandArnold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Has this been written? Probably. I just wanted to write it myself. So apologies.<br/>“ I hope you understand Ms. Shaw, that a prerequisite to attend couples’ therapy is being a couple. And Mr. Reese is busy with a number of his own.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 한국어 available: [코코펍을 위한 결혼 상담](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5424800) by [qui309](https://archiveofourown.org/users/qui309/pseuds/qui309)



“I don’t see why she has to be here Finch.”

“ I hope you understand Ms. Shaw, that a prerequisite to attend couples’ therapy is being a couple. And Mr. Reese is busy with a number of his own.” Finch rambled on, limping his way to the glass board where he carefully stuck on to it his second number for the day’s photograph.

“And I can’t switch places with John because –?” Shaw demanded, strutting fast along the lobby of the building, making her way to the counsellor’s office.

“I believe this is a case rather close to Mr. Reese and perhaps he would prefer it if he could deal with this one alone.” Finch’s voice explained, looking at the photograph of the first number.

Shaw huffed at that. John and his stupid romantic-at-heart ways. It was becoming quite obvious that she had to make do with Root on this one.

“I didn’t think you could infuriate me more than when you made me a perfume salesperson, but this time you’ve really outdone yourself Finch.”

“The covers were chosen by The Machine Ms. Shaw, as was this number.” Harold patronized, going over the details of this case.

“Marlena Sheetz. High-end marriage counsellor and only deals with couples who can actually afford her fees without declaring bankruptcy, her records thus far look clean so it is rather difficult to see why The Machine gave us her number. That is where your session with Ms. Groves comes in. Perhaps the two of might be able to find something.” Harold explained over the earpiece, as Shaw finally met Root outside the doctor’s office.

“Hey sweetie. Don’t forget the rings.” Root grinned, handing over a platinum band to Shaw. Shaw was quite used to Root’s quirks – but the depths the woman would go to to play a character also meant the depths she would be dragged down too. Right now – she doesn’t even want to know how Root managed to get ahold of these rings. Shaw was already not looking forward to this.

“Fusco would have been a better choice for this.” Shaw groaned to herself, following Root into the doctor’s huge office.

 

* * *

 

8 minutes of silence. _Perhaps marriage counselling isn’t so bad._ Shaw was sitting as bored as ever, drumming her fingers on the arm of the comfy sofa she and Root were sitting on. She was trying to sum up this counsellor. She seemed harmless enough. Root, she was sure, was smiling her angelic smile and coming off as the perfect wife.

_As long as it’s silent._

“Would you like to begin?” the doctor drummed up, looking intently at Shaw, seeing that neither woman seemed intent on beginning the session.

Shaw considered for moment, then realizing she normally didn’t play wife at all, decided against it.

“No - thanks.” Shaw politely replied, feeling the awkwardness of the room.

“I know that these kind of situations can be awkward, but seeing that you are the ones paying 3,000$ an hour, I assumed you would want to get this over with.”  the doctor replied, with a soft smile of her own.

_Paying how much?!!!_

“Remember Ms. Shaw, you are a wealthy criminal lawyer from Yale, which is how you can logically afford this session.”  Harold offered, his voice coming on Shaw’s earpiece. Shaw, however was still stunned that people actually pay that much to talk to a shrink, so she helplessly turned to Root, who was ready to jump in.

“Actually Dr. Sheetz, I would like to begin.” Root began cheerily, taking Shaw’s hand as if to reassure her.

“We’ve been married since 2010, and over the years we have grown apart so a friend suggested you would be good place to start to remind ourselves of why we got married in the first place.” Root beamed, playing her cards precisely, taking care to even give a sweet smile at Shaw.

That, however was too much for Shaw, who immediately rolled her eyes at Root’s antics.

“You see what I mean?” Root explained, faking slight exasperation with Shaw’s annoyance at her.

“Why is it that you’re annoyed at your wife, Sameen?”

_Oh crap._

“Uhh – well – “ Shaw stuttered, sure that Harold was having the time of his life with this show.

“She does catch you unawares sometimes.” Shaw managed, remembering the times Root had turned up unannounced at her loft, armed with her taser.

“Could you explain that a bit?”

“ She’s unpredictable. She does things out of the blue – and that gets a little tiresome sometimes.” Shaw replied, sitting up and seeing that she would have to somehow manage the next 50 minutes of this.

Root however narrowed her eyes at Shaw, smile still plastered on her face.

“Because then - I have to leave critical work and go after and make sure she hasn’t done anything stupid.” Shaw continued, remembering that she once had to bicycle across a state to get to Root.

“Well, what do you have to say to that, Augusta?

Shaw had to force herself to not roll her eyes again at Root’s name. The woman sure could pick them.

“It’s not like Sameen here is a charm to get along with.” Root jumped in, eager to prove that the fake marriage wasn’t failing because of her.

_This cannot be happening._

“I mean, I know that she isn’t one for nice gestures, I knew that when I married her” Root went on with her dramatic flair, playing the hurt wife to perfection.

“But would it hurt to admit that once in while, she did something for _me_? Instead of claiming she did it for the mission, for the dog? Am I really worse than the _dog_?”

“Wow, I don’t know what to make of that.” the doctor soothed, but Shaw was already throwing up her hands in exasperation, realizing that the two women were ganging up on her.

“Wh-What?!?”At that, Shaw pretty much knew she had lost this session.

_I’ve been in the Marines and that was the hardest 60 minutes of my life!?_


	2. Marriage Counselling for Cocoa Puffs

_Back to rummaging through the Doctor's office at lunch break. (The one time the woman leaves the damn place.)_

_Because that session was so handy at finding anything out._ Shaw internally groaned, as Root was busy hacking into the Doctor’s computer, as Dr. Sheetz had proved to be more paranoid than Harold when it came to her computer security.

“That was fun.” Root grinned, the glow from the computer hitting her face. Shaw was busy trying to sniff out clues, it was better than standing jobless and defeated.

“Fun for you.” Shaw grunted, recollecting the session. Shaw had to admit there were interrogation sessions she had enjoyed better.

* * *

 

“Why don’t we leave present anguishes for now, and start at the beginning.” Dr. Sheetz had suggested seeing that Root was about to probably stab Shaw affectionately, and hearing that was the rough equivalent of a hand grenade going off for Shaw.

“The-what?” Shaw interrupted, almost fending Root off her.

“This should be interesting.” Harold remarked, clearly enjoying all this.

“Tell me, how did the two of you meet?” Root immediately sat up at that, looking demure as a cat.

“Uh – huh“ Shaw dragged, trying to think back to the first time she met Root.

“This is our _favourite_ story” Root chimed in, immediately happy again.

“Well – it was –“

“This story is a little embarrassing for Sameen because, the first time she met me, she thought I was someone else.” Root offered, smiling sweetly all the while.

“In my defense” Shaw clarified, “she was playing along.”

“Only because who wouldn’t want do that to talk to this awesome one here.” Root explained, tilting her head and looking fondly at Shaw, who looked more like sour milk.

Shaw threw her hands up at that, remembering that _that_ episode had ended up with a hot iron box to her neck.

“With those rugged good looks and that intense gaze ” Root gushed, coming off as a lovesick teenager with such perfection. “It was like she was staring into your soul.”

Shaw did vividly remember staring into Root’s soul, with an injection sticking out of her neck though. Shaw couldn’t do much but go along with the conversation here, nodding along helplessly.

“It was through a mutual friend, though it was coincidence.” Shaw tried, remembering the Machine’s meddling with her affairs with all things concerning Root.

“More like destiny.” Root strongly corrected her, still smiling hard.

* * *

 

“My face was beginning to ache just from smiling so much.” Root muttered, slightly frustrated with how good the doctor’s computer firewalls were. She had tried breaking through all the security systems whilst she was painfully roasting Shaw during the session, but everything just bounced back. It felt rather odd, seeing that the doctor was only a marriage counsellor and not a paranoid hacker.

Shaw had given up  trying to find anything of use, and was trying to find a good place to fit a bug on, when she suddenly saw that the doctor was on her way back.

“Uh Root, we’re going to have to speed that up.”

“What?No!” Root exclaimed, speeding up her already fast typing.

“Go stall her!”

“What?”  
“GO!”

Shaw had to admit, she was getting real sick of taking orders from Root like this.

* * *

 

“So, that was how we met!” Root grinned cheerily. Trust Root to turn a session with a taser and an iron box romantic.

“It was love at first sight for me.”  She finished, turning her puppy eyes to Shaw who was growing quite nauseous with the amount of cheesiness in this situation.

“Well, it took some time for her to grow on me.” Shaw offered, trying to make some sort of a stand here. Root immediately turned to look at her expectantly, almost tasting the words that were about to come out.

“But she did.” Shaw finished, finding it rather hard to mutter those words. Root, of course was immediately beaming with glee. Root had won that round, sadly.

“Wow, that was quite cute.” Dr. Sheetz remarked, making some notes in her notebook. Shaw was able to make out a few words from the strokes. “A. seems to be rather passive aggressive with S. who plays along.”  and grinned internally at that.

“What’s a love story without a meet-cute.” Root remarked, still busy getting her wireless program to hack the doctor’s computer already.

The doctor smiled at that, still writing away.

“Before we move on to other things, just another question. How are things in the bedroom?

Before Shaw could even react, Harold was already choking on his tea in her earpiece.

“I’d better sign off for now. I’m sure Ms. Groves can handle this for now.” Harold coughed, going offline. _So that’s what it takes to get Mr. Finch to go off._ Shaw noted, mentally. Root, on the other hand, had flushed a deep red, but was still smiling – which made her look bashful. Shaw wasn’t going to let this one slide.

“What do you think of our sex-life honey?” Shaw inquired, looking as curious as ever.

Root paused for a second to look at Shaw, before turning back to the doctor.

“It’s just amazing Doctor.”  and at hearing that, it was Shaw’s turn.

“Is that so?” Shaw prodded, not ready to let this go so easily.

“Well, it does get a little rough sometimes, but she does enjoy it.” Root replied, looking shy and bashful as ever. Damn the woman for playing the petite wife so perfectly.

Dr. Sheetz immediately noted a few more things in her notebook, things which Shaw wasn’t noticing. She was busy glaring the hell out of Root, and the woman’s abilities at making the most insane things sound absolutely normal.

* * *

 

“Hey there Doc.” Shaw muttered below her breath, not sure as to how to stall the doctor much longer.

“Uh Sameen – is anything the problem?”

_Yeah, my wife’s insane and hacking your computer._

“I left my phone back here so was just waiting till I could get into your office and get it back.” Shaw rambled, hoping she made sense.

“Actually I wanted to talk to you privately and I hope you don’t mind.” Dr. Sheetz began, and Shaw was praying Root would be done soon.

“You don’t seem very happy in this marriage – but your wife does seem intent on making this marriage work – so I was uh – wondering if you could do a few private sessions at your convenience.” Dr. Sheetz offered, her voice rather husky.

_Is she flirting with me?_

IS SHE FLIRTING WITH YOU?” came Root’s loud voice on her earpiece, and with that Shaw knew her torture had barely begun.


	3. Marriage Counselling for Cocoa Puffs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Happy Birthday Luce! Yeah I know I’m late. Just go with it._  
>  Thanks for all the comments.

Shaw was caught between a rock and a hard place on this call. Here, she had the quite attractive doctor asking her on a ‘private session’ and on the other hand she had Root yelling in her ear.

Root was half trying to wind up the hacking and half yelling and threatening Shaw.  

“Sameen, if you even think of – “  But Shaw had made up her mind, after all she did deserve some fun.

“I would love that.” Shaw smiled as friendly as she could, quite sure she could hear Root’s jaw hit the table.

“That’s great! Tonight at about 7:30?” the doctor grinned sweetly.

“I’ll be there.” Sameen affirmed, hoping that Root was thinking of escaping without getting caught, instead of killing the doctor here.

As the doctor left her, Shaw tried to spot Root but couldn’t, but her voice came on the earpiece – which was a relief.

“I’m throwing you off a bridge for that.” came Root’s menacing threat, Shaw could taste the anger in it.

“Maybe after my doctor’s appointment.” Shaw jibed back, slinking out of the building.

* * *

“I can’t BELIEVE you agreed to THAT.” Root stamped into the underground railway station, Shaw right behind her. She had to make sure Root didn’t go back and kill the poor doctor – and she had given up trying to explain herself, besides – when did Root ever listen to reason.

“SHE’S A DOCTOR – THAT’S UNETHICAL!” Root vented, not letting this go.

“Really Root? _You_ want to talk about ethics?” Shaw replied, trying to lighten the mood, but Root wasn’t having any of that. Root was quite annoyed that Sameen had agreed to this.

“What is going on, Ms. Groves?” Harold inquired, limping towards the two women as they were arguing.

“Sameen here has a ‘private-session’ with our number because she flirted with her.”  Root complained, quite pained by Shaw’s agreement to this.

“She flirted with you – she’s got to be our perp, why don’t we kill her already?!” Root reasoned, taking out her guns and loading them.

“That’s not how this works Ms.Groves – so far she hasn’t done anything harmful to anybody, she can’t be the perpetrator.” Harold explained hurriedly, alarmed seeing Root was ready to kill her. “We haven’t gone through the material you collected from Dr.Sheetz’ computer, we can’t come to any conclusions yet.”

“There’s nothing on the computer Harry, but the amount of security must mean she’s hiding something.” Root whined, desperately wanting to kill the doctor.  She had, in the last moments during Shaw’s little conversation with the doctor, managed to break through all the security systems, but what surprised her was that the doctor had absolutely nothing worth hiding on the computer.

Harold, however wasn’t allowing Root’s idea to march right over to the doctor’s and kill her.

“It’s not like we've got much intel on the doctor – I figured a private session would help the mission.” Shaw offered, but at that Root lost it. She immediately grabbed Shaw by her coat and held her close to her face.

“That’s our thing.” Root bit through her teeth. Shaw had to admit that in that moment, she was slightly worried that Root was going to kill her for saying that. Shaw maintained her face as impassive as ever, and after a second Root flung her onto the bench.

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to side with Ms. Shaw on this one, perhaps she can find something later.” Harold finished, limping back to his computer. Root was frustrated with everything that had been decided and marched out of the railway station. As she passed Shaw, who still hadn’t moved from where she had flung her on the bench, Root shook her gun in Shaw’s face.

Shaw winced at that, being on the warpath with Root normally ended with someone getting shot.

Root bumped into Reese as she was leaving. Reese was surprised at seeing Root slightly unnerved, and gave Shaw an inquiring look. Shaw rolled her eyes at that, and got up to look for some food.

“What’s with those two?” Reese questioned, making his way to Finch’s desk.

“Marriage counselling.” Harold replied, turning in his usual awkward fashion. Reese shrugged at that.

“It’s good that they’re working on their issues.”

* * *

 

Shaw was punctual to her evening session with Dr. Sheetz. She hadn’t dressed up of course – she didn’t want to come off too eager. She wasn’t at all surprised when she saw Root right outside the building, lurking in the shadows.

“If she lays a finger on you – I’m going to kill her.” Root finally stated. Shaw grunted at that and made her way to the office. The doctor welcomed her into her office once again – and Shaw settled back on the couch – half expectantly. The doctor, however – walked back to her seat and took her notebook from the morning and a few more papers.

“Well Sameen, tell me – why did _you_ marry Augusta?” the doctor began, not a hint of playfulness in her tone. Shaw was immediately surprised.

“Wait – I thought this was a private session.”

“Well yes  - that’s why your wife isn’t here.” The doctor smiled. 

“So when you said private session – you meant private session.” Shaw inquired, knowing was sounding as dumb as a brick.

“Well, what else could I have meant?” the doctor joked, still smiling her soft smile.

 _“Wow, how rude.”_ came Root’s voice on Shaw’s earpiece and with that Shaw pretty much knew this was her punishment for agreeing to this. She was sure Root had already all the camera feeds, and was enjoying this.

Shaw, however had no choice but to smile at that joke and talk to Root through her smiling teeth.

“What did you do.”

 _“Me? I just helped the doctor with a few notes about you and your mental health.”_ Root replied innocently and immeasurably happily. To torture Shaw was to do something Shaw enjoyed too but to see Sameen squirm to answer questions about herself was such a rare treat.

“So, Sameen – I just wanted to begin with why you married Augusta.” the doctor repeated, all ready to take notes.

 _“Yeah, Sameen – why did you marry me.”_ Root questioned as well. Sameen, on the other hand – felt like she was being led to the stake to be burnt.

_And I thought this morning was difficult._

“Why do you ask that.” Sameen finally managed, deciding to go with the old trick of answering a question with a question.

 _“Spoilsport.”_ Root commented. She had been looking forward to that answer.

“Well you seem to harbor a lot of resentment towards her, so I was curious as to why you married her in the first place. “

_“You do love to hate me, don’t you sweetie?”_

“It could be because our whole relationship has been a sort of battle for dominance ever since we met.” Shaw managed, doing her best to keep up the conversation without mentioning the fact that the she and her ‘wife’ were actually working for an all-seeing ASI.

“She mentioned this morning how she pretended to be someone else the first time we met, and I got back at her for doing that to me.” Shaw grunted - remembering that she did shoot Root after all.

“And could this be because you hate that she hurt your pride?”

 “No – I just wanted to show her that I could just as easily catch her blindsided as she did me.” Shaw replied, somehow finding a sort of pattern to getting through this.

“And this battle – has persisted all through your relationship?”

“What relationship.” Shaw gritted through her teeth.  Root chuckled at that.

“I guess you could say that.” Shaw replied to the doctor, groaning that hardly 5 minutes had passed in this ordeal.

“Are you looking for anything that can implicate our doctor.” Shaw groaned as softly as she could, sinking into the sofa and resting her head on her side.

_“I’m working on it – but so far – nothing bad.”_

“I must mention that I did look you up in patient records – and I have found rather surprising data about you.” the doctor began – and Root immediately huffed at that.

_“What a lousy liar. I sent her those files.”_

“I just was curious to know how someone with Axis II personality disorder married someone like your wife.”

Shaw was busy mentally filtering the answer to that question in her head, when she thought she saw a shadow move across the hall.

“Did you see that?” Shaw asked Root in a low voice, sure that she had feeds to outside the office too.

 _“There’s nothing there – now stop dodging and answer the question.”_   Root wasn’t noticing that the feeds other than the one directly to the office were being looped.

“Luck I guess.” Shaw finally answered- not finding any other answer.

_“You could try and do better than that.”_

“And what – say what an awesome wife you are?” Shaw muttered, glad that the doctor was slightly far and that she could talk to Root without coming off deranged.

 _“Something like that.”_ Root grinned, her eyes shining.

“So, if I’m correct about you – and I think I am – “ the doctor offered, “I see that you want things to be better with your wife. So why don’t we try a little exercise - why don’t you try listing out all the things you love about your wife.”

_“I almost feel bad for wanting to kill her before this.”_

“Can’t you throw me off a bridge now?” Shaw begged.

 _“But Sameen, this was for the mission.”_  Root pouted in reply.

Shaw knew she couldn’t go on forever dodging the doctor’s questions, she had to say something that would make all this reasonable.

“She’s selfless.”  She began,  remembering that Root was willing to get herself killed while fixing the servers in Samaritan.

 _“Awwww.”_ Shaw was frowning as she knew she had to say a few more things to make it through this question.

“When she’s not there – I do miss her.” Shaw tried, going with the conventional reasons.

_“Did you mean like you miss an intestinal parasite?”_

Shaw racked her brains for something, anything about Root she could actually tell the doctor.

“She cannot wink for her life – I swear once she thought she did, and she just blinked really fast – it was the funniest thing ever.”

_“Hey! I can wink!”_

“The dog can wink better than you.”

“What?” the doctor heard that, and Shaw had to gather herself again, when she noticed someone right outside the door.

“Root, there is someone out there, I can see him.” Immediately getting up and crouching towards the doctor, getting out her gun. The doctor went pale seeing the gun, and was speechless.

Root could see it too, and see that the feeds were rigged to loop, immediately started typing away – to get back to the live feeds.

“Sameen, there is a man outside, with a fully loaded machine gun. I don’t understand why he’s there or who he is.” Root hurriedly started, already on her way to the doctor’s office. She wasn’t that far off anyway.

Shaw, was busy pulling the doctor away to a safe side of the room,  all the while checking that the intruder wouldn’t start firing randomly.

“Ok Doc, there’s an armed man outside, anything you want to tell me about that?” Shaw whispered, giving the doctor no time to adjust to her shift from uncomfortable patient to kickass agent.

“It could be Dave. Why do you have a gun?”

“Why does this Dave have a gun?”

“ _Probably because she flirted with Dave’s wife.”_ Root chimed in, racking her guns and marching into the building.

“I don’t know – he’s a stalker – he’s stalked me and my sister all my life – and he killed her. He’s a hacker too – so I’ve had to keep all my files secure all the time.” The doctor explained, now scared beyond her wits.

“That explains who our perp is.” Shaw reasoned out, making her way to the door and spotting the tall, bulky guy instantly. In usual Shaw fashion – she attacked the guy – tackling him to the ground before he could fire the gun, and landing a few punches and kicks to him in the process.

Shaw was in the middle of strangling the life out of the guy when she heard a gun shot – and Dave finally stopped struggling.

“I don’t know why you just don’t shoot people.” Root grinned, walking up to the office, still holding out her gun. Shaw shrugged at that, as indifferent as ever.

“Hi doctor.” Root smiled sweetly to the doctor, “Next time – I’d suggest you work on her daddy issues.”

Shaw immediately scowled at that, and Root slowly walked over to the terrified doctor, who still hadn’t moved from her chair.

“Wait – so you two aren’t a couple?”

“Not really.” Shaw grunted.

“Oh and doctor.” Root began, smiling as angelic as ever, before firing a round at the doctor’s arm.

“That’s for flirting with her.”

 


End file.
